Remembering Renee

My friend Renee died today.

In 2008 when I was grieving the loss of my brother, I was contacted by Renee via my blog and she became a friend from the very beginning. She had stage 4 inflammatory breast cancer and her blog Circling My Head told her story. With almost daily posts, she spoke of her family, her loves, her despair, her joys and her laughter. She shared openly about her condition and her life as she dealt with it's daily challenges.

She offered me hope, understanding and insight, and she offered me her love with an open heart. Although we have never met 'in the flesh' she has been an incredible friend and I will miss her as part of my life. I share the heartbreak of her family and friends. Family and friends who adore her and fellow bloggers who she has also touched.

She reached out to so many people via her posts and replied to every comment that was left on her blog. And there were many many comments. In her battle she has changed many people's lives by welcoming them into hers. We shared long emails and exchanged cards in the post (as I know she did with many others). I don't know where she found the energy, but she was always full of surprises.

During the time I have known her, Renee has had more than her share of grief. She has lost friends from her support group, her father, her nephew died of cancer, and just over a month ago, her dear mother also died from cancer. One of her sisters is also facing a similar battle. Sadly Renee has now lost her battle too. Though she will not be forgotten.

I am so so sad she is gone, though I am relieved the pain she suffered in her final weeks is now over.
Thank you Renee for everything.
Thank you for your light and joy.
All my love to you.
Cinta
xxx

The following words are from Renee's blog, that she posted in January of 2009.

"I must comfort myself with what I have always comforted myself with ‘words.’ Thank you Francis Bacon for these:

Begin
doing what
you want to do now.
We are not living in eternity.
We have only this moment, sparkling
like a star in our hand –
and melting like a
snowflake.

I remind myself that partly cloudy is partly sunny and that here on this earth right now I have been given the opportunity to live with angels. This life here and now is good and the people I am able to share my life with are good. I have to believe that this time here will not be all there is because my soul will never be full of them. My soul will yearn for them always."
Renee
Jan 26th, 2009.

*The picture above is by the beautiful friend of Renee and artist Julie-Ann Bowden of Heavenleigh Art.

Love and grieving...

I cried 2 weeks ago when my mother phoned to tell me a good family friend was dying.

He was in hospital and had just been diagnosed with lung cancer. He was being treated for a bronchial infection with no improvement. Tests finally revealed an aggressive lung cancer that had spread and was untreatable. It was only a matter of time.

I hadn't seen Greg for probably close to 20 years, but I cried, when 5 days later, my mother called to tell me he had died that morning. He was 65 years old and had left behind two loving sons, their wives and one grandson ... and many many friends.

I cried because, despite the fact I hadn't seen him for so long, he featured strongly in many of my childhood memories.

I cried because my parents lost a long time friend who they loved.

I cried because his sons will be devastated by his absence and he will not get to see his grandson grow into a man.

I cried because whilst he has lived a full and active life, 65 is just too damned young to die.

I cried because it seemed so quick, so brutal.

I cried because I was relieved he didn't suffer a long drawn out illness.

I cried because he is younger than my parents and that frightened me.

I cried because the world was a brighter place with him in it and now he was gone.

Yesterday we went to his funeral, to say our final good-bye's.

I listened to the eulogies given by his oldest son, friends and colleagues and I laughed at their stories... and I cried just a little too.


This was read at his funeral...

That man is a success,
who has lived well,
laughed often and loved much,
who has gained the respect of intelligent men,
and the love of children,
who has filled his niche and accomplished his task,
who leaves the world a better place than he found it,
who never lacked appreciation of earths beauty
or failed to express it,
who looked for the best in others
and gave the best he had.

And not a moment too soon...

Last night I had some time where I gathered my thoughts and refocused on a few things I knew HAD to be done. The sort of things I hate to do, avoid like the plague and then, once complete, I wonder at why I have taken so so long to do it. It wasn't as bad as I had expected and the weight released from my shoulders was a relief that far outweighed the effort.

I did a mini tidy up. I collected my paid bills and filed them away. I read and then threw out all the junk mail and uninteresting mail I had collected to "read when I had the time". I answered a few emails, archived what I wanted to keep and deleted the rest. I tidied my desk. Removed the obstacle course that surrounded my mouse pad and made some space for myself again.

I work better in space and without mess. I find it a more calming environment. It causes me far less agitation.

***Nothing groundbreaking and hardly worthy of a post on a blog... (but it's early and inspiration is a little thin on the ground).

All the while I copied files from my old faithful laptop to my new iMac. I transfered all of my personal files and a collection of select music from itunes, I deleted what I could and did a shut down. And not a moment too soon... It was at this point that my little laptop, my trusty (if rather slow) assistant for the last few years, spat the dummy about my new companion and refused to do as I asked.

It didn't shut down. It wouldn't reboot. It put it's head in the sand and refused to respond to my direction. And then it rolled over and lifted it's feet to the skies and died. It's time had come.

Regardless of the fact I have a new computer (that I am very happy with by the way) I feel a little sad at my little i-book's passing. But here's the thing. What do I do with it? It IS possible there is still life, that this is merely a technological tantrum. I do hate to discard it, but then I also don't need it. I had planned to sell it, but in it's current state there hardly seems any point. If it were a horse I would put it to pasture and not send it to the knackery. It would only be fair! But it is a computer afterall.

Any advice?

Too young to die...

I'm not sure why, but somehow, when someone famous dies, it is almost as if the loss is personal. Maybe it is because we have watched them in movies, heard their interviews, sympathised with their loss of privacy or simply it may just be because they have touched our lives through their art. The death of Heath Ledger is one such moment.

Armed and Dangerous...

Today as I drove to work, I saw my life flash before me.

I seriously believed I was about to be involved in a serious car accident. Two cars beside me were so close to colliding (a collision which would have involved me and possibly two or three other vehicles) and I am still astounded they missed each other. Thankfully for us all, the accident was avoided. Without going into details, I can say it was only a combination of hard braking, quick lane changing and a large amount of luck that saw us through unscathed. There followed loud greetings with horns from numerous vehicles in the vicinity and much animated gesticulation. It made my heart thump a few decibels louder I can tell you!

What scares me is that I share the roads with these people on a daily basis and not only are they putting their own lives at risk (and whoever is unlucky enough to be travelling with them) they are also endangering me! It continually astounds me that so many drivers are so agressive, so impatient and so incompetent.

And so here follows, a substantial list of some of the dangerous driving practices I see regularly on the road. This is my chance to get it off my chest... Feel free to join in by adding your experiences to the comments at the end of the post.

Bad drivers and what 'cheeses me off'
(Aussie term meaning what gives me the s**ts!)...
Dangerous lane changing - zig zagging between cars in heavy traffic at great speed with limited space (more often than not to little or no advantage)
Cutting across three lanes to avoid missing a turn off. Check the signs people.
Tail gating. The practice of driving at full pelt within feet of the car in front is crazy.
Does anyone realise that undertaking is actually illegal?
But then, what alternative do you have when the right lane (the fast lane for Australia) is blocked by some moron driving at 85kmph (in a 100km zone), refusing to budge!
Swapping lanes into the lane in front of me, and then slowing down.
Cutting into limited space between cars, when there is more than enough space after.
Overtaking on double lines (illegal in Australia and all other countries I have visited)!
Beeping when the lights have JUST changed.
Patience people! Patience!
Overtaking dangerously and then turning at the next intersection!

And then there's the tunnel. The speed limit is 80kms an hour. Not 65! What is it with people who decide (because we all know there are speed cameras in the tunnel) that they have to go at least 10km UNDER the limit? Funnily enough, these are often the same people who charged past earlier breaking the land speed record!

And speaking of that, don't you just love the people who INSIST on doing 80 on 100km country roads and then when the opportunity arises to pass - you guessed it -THEY SPEED UP! ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Drink driving? Don't even start me on this one!
Get a taxi. Get a bus. Get a LIFE!

OK, I'm guessing you are sensing a little of my frustration by now. Certainly it is difficult to stay calm and be patient sometimes. But these are the times when patience and tolerance is required most.

And yet, how can you be tolerant of this sort of behaviour...

Just last week, as Ames was driving along the Geelong-Melbourne Highway to work, she noticed a fellow driver with a large book balanced on their steering wheel. Yes - believe it or not - this person was READING as they headed down the highway at 100kms an hour! Aye aye aye!

I have seen people putting on make-up and people getting changed! I know someone who eats his breakfast (a bowl of cereal complete with milk) as he drives to work as he is always running late! I have even seen someone driving at 100kmsph, eating KFC AND puffing on a cigarette (yuck) - yes all while in 'control' of a vehicle. I have no doubt if the mobile had rung they would have answered that too!

These people are out there. They share our roads. They forget their manners and they neglect the most rudimentary laws. They don't carry guns, they aren't crazy terrorists. These are people like you, like me, forget that the vehicle they are driving is as good as a loaded weapon. Breathe people breathe.

Drive carefully... and I will endeavour to do the same!