101 things about me

Sunday, 26 September 2010

No answers, just more questions...

Years ago I had a workmate who would take 2 weeks annual leave every year, the same time every year, and to much the same destination every year. He would talk about it for months before his trip. Off he would go with his family, returning 2 weeks later suntanned and looking relaxed. And within the week, he would be planning the next year's leave and the treadmill would start rotating again.

I used to look at him and think that was not the way I wanted to live my life. I was determined my life would be more than just 2 weeks of sunshine every year. That my work life balance would be... well, more balanced!

And yet, here I was (prior to my recent trip to the States) not having had a holiday for nearly 3 years! Not only was I not living his dream, I was living my nightmare! It is hardly surprising that people are now saying I look like a new person. That I look younger. That I am more relaxed!

It was long overdue, and the holiday was the break I needed.

Having said that, it wasn't quite what I had planned... I was hoping during my 6 and a half weeks away, to spend some time thinking about what it was I wanted to do. With my job, with my flat, with my (non-existent) relationship. With my life. My job, my home and my relationships all need change.

I had planned on taking time out to reflect... to really explore the things in my life that were making me unhappy. To make some decisions as to where I needed to go to start turning things around. And to put some plans together as to how to do it.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for all I have. My friends, my family, my home... even my job. But the fact is, I don't feel happy. I feel like I am treading water. Surviving. One day at a time.

And the thing is, in the end, it didn't quite go the way I was planning anyway... As I said, I had a great time, it felt like I was away f o r e v e r. And maybe just taking that time out, set things in motion.

Because just the day before I left, I was told that my job was changing. That by the time I returned, another person would be employed to run the studio and I would return to a more 'hands on' role. Back to being a mac operator while someone else took the reigns. It came as quite a shock. And of course, while I was away it was on my mind quite a bit. It left me in a state of uncertainty, over which I had absolutely no control.

True to their word, on the day I returned to work, there was a new studio manager starting in my old role, and my working life changed significantly.

What does this mean?

Where am I heading?

How do I feel?

What next?

Right now, I don't have a clue.

I am just going with it and enjoying being back as part of the team.

Letting go. Holding on.


Trash said...

Wow! That was a thing to pack with you to take on holidays. I like the idea of letting someone else be in charge for a bit while you consider all the options.

Luhlahh said...

Ahh! Uncertainty!

Anonymous said...

As someone who's spent the last year wodering when I was going to "figure out" my life, I understand what you mean. It doesn't always happen how you think. But, then again, sometimes decisions are made for you, and that is usually a blessing, even if it's difficult to see at first.


Lori ann said...

It sounds as if everything is open to you, so many exciting possibilites for your future. I have found that letting the universe know what it is i want, helps that to happen somehow.

flossy-p said...

Sometimes NOT thinking about your life, all those decisions you feel you need to make, on a holiday is MUCH much better than spending the whole time pondering it all. Really and truly getting away from it all is much healthier I think. Now you're back you ca start living it and re-thinking it all again, with a fresh mind and a new perspective.

Luhlahh said...

My friend works for World Vision, running art centres in Aboriginal Communities in Central Australia. I believe they are always looking for people.... I know this is a rather far-out thing to suggest, but I just have an instinct you would be rather good at this stuff. And it might be that soul-feeding creative thing you are looking for! http://trans.worldvision.com.au/birrung/BrowseByRegion.aspx?#1
Email me if you want to find out more... Lou.

MW Knitgirl said...

I can't believe it's been nearly a month since we met up in NY, and I want you to know that I've been thinking about you and your situation - boy, change can really suck. The only thing I really have to offer is that hopefully this is something that SHOULD be happening.

Often it takes something out of our control to help us do something for ourselves that we might not have done otherwise, to start that journey we know needs to be taken. You may not know how to get on that path but listen to your instincts. I’ve pretty much relied on mine for the last two years and while it’s been a challenging, sometimes heart-breaking experience, I know there’s joy in my future – I can feel it. And I know there’s joy in yours, you deserve that and much more. Don’t ever forget that, Cinta.

Love and hugs to you,